Depression, Suicide, and cute pictures of my dogs (pics unrelated, but the juxtaposition is funny to me)

A quality fluffer doing you a cute

Depression is like a fart in an elevator- it's a silent, smelly, mysterious force that affects most people and yet no one knows how to talk about it. Where did it come from and why is it here? Is it just that burrito you had for lunch? (and here's where the simile breaks down, but at least I tried).

Jokes aside, depression is a very important issue that affects all of our lives. And hand in hand with depression is the issue of suicide ("gasp, he talked about suicide. People aren't supposed to talk about that"). Suicide is starting to get a lot more attention as a result of the high-profile celebrity suicides that are occurring with disturbing frequency. Kate Spade. Anthony Bourdain. Jesus Christ (sorry, couldn't resist the low-hanging fruit).

And the problem with both depression and suicide is that we aren't talking about them in healthy ways. Because every time we avoid talking about this for the sake of not making our dinner parties awkward we let down the massive number of people who are struggling in silence. I understand that these are incredibly painful issues to discuss, but we've got to be grown-ass people and realize that avoiding talking about it doesn't make it go away. If anything, it makes it worse because it stigmatizes those who deal with these issues. So how should we be talking about depression and suicide?

Cuddlin puppers in a vaguely
heart-shaped configuration

With cute pictures of dogs interterspersed is the answer. Just look at those little pups. Great, now that you're feeling a little better we can go back to the BIG issues.

How do we even start talking about such a difficult subject? If we want to solve the problem, we need to start by looking at the underlying causes and let that motivate how we tackle it. I'll give the disclaimer that I have no background in mental health research to qualify any of the claims I'm going to make. However, I have suffered from mental health problems the entirety of my adult life. I'm also a comedian, which means that I like to make claims that I have no right to make because fuck you I actually do have the right.

In my eyes there are two key ingredients that you need to mix to get depression: negative feelings and an over-arching narrative of hopelessness. I know what you're thinking: wait, Bram- isn't depression just something wrong with the brain?

Yes and no.

And by that I mean that the question of wrongness is about the angle that you're looking from. If by wrong you mean different than most people then yes- the brains of depressed people often are different. There are more of some chemicals and the brain is wired slightly different, but to view that as wrong is unfair. When we frame the discourse in terms of right and wrong functioning of the brain, we do two things. First, we pile shame onto someone who is already experiencing a lot of negative emotions by asserting that their brain (which is deeply linked to their identity) is flawed, which seems like a bit of a dick move to me. Negative feelings- check. Second, we make it seem like something which is unchangeable- a curse that they were born with which dooms them to a miserable life. Narrative of hopelessness- check. We don't realize we are doing this. We are trying to be compassionate, but speaking as someone who has been so deeply depressed that life seemed unlivable, this seems like a well-intentioned but insulting thing to do (like giving someone with acne facial cream for their birthday. *Cough* *cough* mom *cough *cough*. Just kidding- that never happened. I don't have a mom).

Pupper shnozzing in your
direction

Yes, there are differences in the brain of someone who is depressed. But those differences also give people with depression a unique and valuable perspective on the world. We should celebrate the beautiful minds of these people and be there for them when those minds experience pain instead of holding onto this toxic narrative of normalcy. Being normal is boring. We should celebrate differences, because people with depression have contributed a lot to society with the creativity and empathy that also make them prone to feeling depressed.

Next we need to challenge the narrative of hopelessness by realising that depression isn't permanent. Despite carrying the "sickness" of bipolar and depression inside me, I'm actually a very happy person now. When you're in the middle of depression it feels like it will last forever, but the brain is a beautiful thing that can change. Neuroplasticity. People are like self-programming computers. Most of the time they live out the program they have written for themselves, but they also can rewrite that program if they make a deliberate effort.

You can rewrite that narrative of hopelessness and make the story of your life into whatever you want it to be in your head (I recommend something involving cute dogs, but that's just me). But rewriting narratives is hard work. The best way to do so appears to be mindfulness and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which smart people in lab coats have told me is an effective treatment for depression. You can trust people in lab coats.

Once you start monitoring and non-judgementally noticing your thoughts and feelings you can slowly start to change them. Maybe that friend who said something mean doesn't detest you and secretly want to bludgeon your skull with a lead pipe like you think they do. Maybe they are just having a bad day and it has nothing to do with you. Maybe that stinging sensation of anxiety in your chest when you are meeting a new person isn't actually an appropriate level of panic for the situation. Maybe it's best to save that feeling for when you are alone and unarmed in a forest, miles from civilization, and are confronted by a bear who blames you for the death of his child (how were you supposed to know that the factory you are working at was polluting the river and poisoning the salmon and that this particular bear's child had too weak of an immune system to be able to eat the salmon?). 

Hooman, now that I know love how can
you expect me to ever look away?

Learning mindfulness is a challenging but rewarding endeavor. Being happy is a skill that you can learn. Poisoning baby bears is something that can be avoided. Anyone can do these things.

What people who are depressed really need is just someone to give a shit about them. They don't need someone to "fix" them (although some medicines can help make their emotions more manageable). They don't need someone who has never been through the indescribable pain they are experiencing to condescendly try to force them to smile and act like everything is fine if they don't want to. Sometimes life isn't fine and it's okay to show that.

Like most problems in life, the solution is pretty simple: just don't be a dick. Treat people with depression with the respect and compassion that every person deserves. When in doubt, just listen to them. Encourage them to try cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness but also respect that they are a grown-ass person who might not want to for whatever reason and that is their choice. Also bring cute dogs around as much as possible. Cute dogs make everything better. If you take nothing else away from this blog post, which would actually be an impressive level of naivite (or maybe you just don't read English, in which case I hope you enjoyed the cute dog pictures and the funny-looking letters), I hope you take this: dogs are amazing. That's really the central point I was trying to make.

Good talk.